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Waiting, waiting, waiting

Ted — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 17:01:16 +0000

Is really, really hard on an hour’s worth of sleep. This day is gonna end with me either drunk and happy or just drunk. Either way I’ll know where I stand and where I messed up (again).

Just Go

Ted — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 05:47:03 +0000

Someday I’m just going to pick a direction and go even knowing that I ultimately cannot escape myself.

Second Guessing

Ted — Thu, 30 Sep 2010 23:43:52 +0000

It’s impossible to know
What another person is truly thinking

So I have to take
What they are saying at face value

And I try not to
Project my own desires onto them

The House In The Desert

Ted — Sun, 26 Sep 2010 21:39:25 +0000

After a few days of wandering through the desert sea, we found ourselves in front of a small house. With some trepidation, I opened the front door and entered. She did not follow. As I turned around, I found her kneeling on the front steps shaking and sobbing. ”Why will you not enter?”, I asked, confused, “have we not found a most beautiful house?”. She said she could not enter, for the house was more beautiful than she deserved and she feared it as an illusion. Kneeling beside her, I held her close and promised to be by her side until she could see that it was she that was too beautiful for the house.

This continued for some time and I began to realize the depth of her despair. This was not something for me to solve and I could not once again lose myself in my own hopelessness. So with much regret I went off into the desert sea once more to give her the space she needed and to keep myself intact. In time, I hoped she would see the beauty inside her and learn to forgive and accept herself. As I renewed my journey I would occasionally look back at the house growing smaller on the horizon as my distance increased. She was never far from my thoughts, always just beneath the surface. I could not know for certain if she remained at the front steps of the house or if she had found the strength to move on. Yet I continued in the hope that soon she would illuminate the lights in the house that would lead me back to her.

Looking ahead I began to see the outlines of a great mountain range looming in the distance. Quickening my pace I wondered if had found a place to rest and renew myself. As I approached, I began to realize that this was not a place to rest, but a way out of the desert sea, a way that would prevent me from returning to the house that we had found. On the other side was my release and a new beginning, but also a vow to never return. I stopped dead in my tracks, unsure of what to do.

Hope and release were my desires and in each was an impossible choice.

The Remains of Mr. Benn and Mr. Stevens

Ted — Sat, 25 Sep 2010 02:38:22 +0000

Even though I ended up as Mr. Benn, I’m just happy that I was not Mr. Stevens.

Understanding

Ted — Thu, 23 Sep 2010 05:43:26 +0000

To understand that which is true is to accept all its flaws and all its perfections. Transcendence begins when you forgive and accept yourself.

Infinity

Ted — Thu, 23 Sep 2010 01:44:13 +0000

If everything is possible but not all things are probable, then it will take a lot of work to turn possibilities into probabilities.

Berlioz Would Understand

Ted — Tue, 21 Sep 2010 07:17:20 +0000

I’ve thought too hard
And for far too long

I’ve plumbed the depths
And overreached my grasp

What was once real
Has now been inverted

I can never go back
For I have corrupted
My idée fixe

I Am Who I Am (For Now)

Ted — Thu, 16 Sep 2010 22:39:49 +0000

If we are constantly collecting memories and if those memories make us who we are, than at any given moment, I can only be the person that I am right now and I can never be who I was before or who I will be in the future.

Pretty In Say Anything

Ted — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 18:02:22 +0000

No, I don’t want to be Duckie,
And there is no way I can be Blane.
I won’t hold a boom box above my head,
So what is there left to do?